How to Give Compliments

I like to talk to strangers, because it teaches me more about the world, and gives me a little opportunity to try and gently lift people up.

The production of positive emotions in humans and animals reduces Total Gross Suffering, and the production of negative emotions increases it.

In 30 Suggestions for Operating in New York, I wrote that good people offer status and belonging, and bad people horde status and belonging (and other resources).

This means that in my wanderings, I have the opportunity to do little bits of good every time I interact with someone, because I can usually raise their emotional valence a little - and sometimes a lot - and that means a small reduction in total gross suffering, which I believe is the main by-product of the Industrial System.

Making the people around us feel good is a substantial thing each of us can do to make things better.

But I don't want to paint the wrong picture. Sometimes I'm in my head, sometimes I'm preoccupied with my own concerns, and if you lower my emotional valence more than a little, I'm going to return the favor.

Start with kindness, keep it going as long as you get it back.

But kindness is tricky. Compliments are tricky. Because everybody is different, and sometimes what we care about or notice isn't something the people we're interacting with want to discuss.

You have to make observations about reality that they will notice and agree with, and also that they'll appreciate you took their time to talk about.

You don't want to get too personal, or pry, or make it seem like you want something from them, because you don't. You just want them to feel good, because you'll get a nice little physiological boost from it too.

So here's a simple rule for avoiding overly personal compliments with people you don't know well.

Compliment decisions, not characteristics.

Do say, "I love your shoes!"

Don't say, "You're so tall!"

Do say, "What are you reading?"

Don't say, "What are you thinking about?"

Do say, "Great haircut."

Don't say, "You have such beautiful hair."

Do say, "I like the way you said that."

Don't say, "Why are you so funny?"

Do say, "Looking good!"

Don't say, "You're so beautiful."

People can't change how their DNA was encoded or where they were born. But they can do lots to change their decisions.

Compliments about characteristics often serve to pigeonhole people.

Compliments about choices gives the recipient attention and approval and validates how they're spending their time.

And remember, the point is to try and make the person in front of you feel a little better than they did before. Because there's a good chance they'll return that favor to you.

And we all know from experience that raising each other up is better than the alternative.

Dan Flag